So many…

So many…  So much…  That’s what this year has been.  So many changes.  So many feelings.  So much change.  So much to be thankful for.

I went fifty something years without knowing the beginning of my story.  I knew little bits and pieces, but no details.  Honestly, I didn’t have a lot of questions.  I’m not the most curious person in the world.  My family was my family.  It was that simple for me.  I was aware that I didn’t have a mom and dad who I favored in looks.  Mostly, I think I was curious if I looked like someone out there.  Truth be told, I thought about my birth mom throughout my life, but never gave much thought to my birth dad.

As the past year has unfolded, I’ve found more and more birth family connections.  The hardest part it that I have always known I had a story out there somewhere…most of them did not.  I imagine it’s quite hard to be on the other side of this story.  It’s complicated and confusing, but here’s the basic gist of it all.  My birth mom had two sons, C and K, before having me.  She raised both boys, and gave me up for adoption.  She was unmarried when I was born.  We all have different fathers.  C passed away several years ago, K is still living.  They were 6 and 2 years older than me.  K knows about me, but I haven’t had any conversations or exchange with him, although I text with his wife regularly.  It must be quite a shock to get the news about  me.

My bio dad had a daughter, K, he did not know about for many years, from a teenage relationship he had.  She got to know him once she was grown and had a relationship with him until he passed away.  He then married and had two daughters, CA and D.  He raised those daughters with his first wife.  After divorcing his first wife, he dated my bio mom, JA.  I do not believe she told him she was pregnant with me.  They had broken up and he married his second wife about a month before I was born.  His second wife had one daughter, J, who is about 10-12 years older than me.  He adopted her later in life and helped raise her.  So…there are 5 of us girls, I’m the youngest (and most recent surprise).  Sadly, CA passed away back in the 1980’s.  I have not had any contact with D, I was quite a shock to her too!  I have emailed and texted with J.  And K and I recently found each other and have spoken on the phone and by email.  She’s the first bio-sibling I’ve actually spoken to.  She could not have been more welcoming!  I also have a niece (one of D’s daughters) who I text with regularly who has been wonderful.  And…she and I have a pretty striking resemblance.  I’ll insert some side-by-side photos, several relatives, including my birth dad and mom.

So, I didn’t really think I had any expectations coming into this whole journey.  I had a mom and a dad I love, I wasn’t looking for replacements.  I have a brother I love, no replacement needed.  But as I’ve walked this road, I realize there was an expectation I’ve carried all my life.  I expected my birth mom to have been thinking of me.  I expected that in September each year she must have wondered if I was okay.  I expected that she had most likely told people I had died, and kept the secret of my adoption.  But I also expected her to somehow, deep down, to care.  I didn’t expect to be welcomed whole heartedly into her life or her family.  But I think I expected there to be some sign of relief…or joy…or peace.  So, to be fully honest, it was disappointing in that sense.  She was not happy to see me, or have any desire to tell anyone about me.

BUT GOD…

I honestly didn’t know why God had asked me to walk this road.  Again…it was not a lifelong desire of mine!  But He asked me to go on this journey and to be obedient.  And He made it clear, it wasn’t about me, it was about Him.  It was about God showing himself to JA.  BUT…it was also about Him showing himself more and more to me.

Lots of adoptees struggle with rejection issues.  I have always felt loved and chosen.  And even when it was a crazy train at our house, I never felt like my adoption was linked to rejection.

When we had Harrison, I felt like I understood more of God’s love for me.  When we adopted Clara, I saw more clearly about God’s choosing me.  But in this journey, He showed me so many ways that He intervened on my behalf since before I was born.  The fact that my very prideful birthmom went to a church to ask for help, is in itself, a miracle.  The fact that God had moved my grandparents from the big city of Lincoln, Nebraska to the boot heel of Missouri (it’s in the middle of nowhere, people) just a couple of years before I was born…another miracle.  There are so few people that JA would have trusted to keep her secret, arrange her adoption, yet God placed my grandparents in her life.

I think about what my life would have been like in my birth mom’s home.  She didn’t show affection to her boys or say “I love you”.  When I was little, all you had to do was raise your voice at me and I’d be in tears.  I was very tender and easily embarrassed.  It’s hard to imagine how different life would have been.  I don’t waste much time thinking of that, because that was not the plan God had for my life.  I have so much to be thankful for.

Throughout my life, I have a playlist from different seasons.  If I hear The Doobie Brother Takin It To The Streets, I’m in a VW bug with my friend Linda Criner, going to the lake in North Platte.  The Knack…high school boyfriend.  Steely Dan…freshman year at OSU.  During this season, I listened to Cory Asbury’s album “Reckless Love”.  I literally listened to it over and over as I drove to Missouri to meet JA.  I hope it speaks to your heart like it speaks to mine!

Reckless Love